You Can Officially Smoke CSU In Cannabis Form – The Rocky Mountain Collegian

0

College student | Sophie Sirokman

from the editor To note: This is a satirical piece from the opinion section of The Collegian. Real names and surrounding events may be used fictitiously/semi-fictionally. Those who don’t read the editor’s notes may be offended.

Have you ever woken up from the comfort of your sleep in the middle of the night (probably after your evening high has worn off) shaking with wonder at the question, “What strain would Colorado State University be if it was cannabis?”

Don’t worry, little lamb. Rest your eyes – I come in peace with the answer.

CSU is a very diverse and interesting place with lots to see and lots of people to meet. This clearly means that CSU would be a hybrid, but with more sativa than indica.

Nobody smokes CSU and thinks, “Wow, that’s not stressful at all!” You have mid-terms, a losing football team and a beautiful little sheep from Rambouillet walking around campus – it’s a magical and stressful place.

There’s enough sativa to make you a bit paranoid that someone might randomly knock on your apartment door and you’ll have to begrudgingly answer and act like a functional human being – but not enough to be considered the sativa type. I grass that the government is so worried about.

I’d like to think CSU would rather be in flower form because we’re rooted in the Aggies’ legacy. Sure, CSU would slap in canister form (it would have that smoke that tastes like dirt, though, not a fancy flavor like banana, which my mom likes). We are all natural, we grow people here, and our weed is grown at home.

The flower is mostly green, with a hint of purple because going to college should be romantic and appealing to prospective students. Purple is the wealth color too, and college is very expensive.

It would be the perfect density and consistency, without ever crumbling and falling apart or sticking to your hands and leaving you with skunk fingers.

“The strain would fund the renovation of the Andrew G. Clark Building, with money to be spent on buying CAM the Ram and his farm friends commercial-grade massage chairs. Any extra money would likely go to the Associated Student Senate at Colorado State University, naturally.

It’s freezing with small crystals like snow falling on the A at Horsetooth Reservoir. Looking at it under a microscope to capture all of its splendor is the only way to do it justice. We are an academic institution, after all.

The high wouldn’t be numbing, debilitating from sitting on the couch; you must be prepared to write a 700-word discussion post at all times, so brain fog should be limited unless you want to have an awkward conversation with your teacher about how your post slowly turned into a wishlist of snacks you want to get to 7-Eleven later.

The flower burned evenly and completely each time it was lit, as it was carefully tended by the university’s agricultural students, who played Ludwig van Beethoven’s greatest hits plants morning and night. These children are dedicated to their craft and the burn patterns would show the fruits of their labor.

The college strain wouldn’t be too expensive to start with, but that’s how they get you. They’ll raise the price once you realize the quality, but I don’t think those Aggie kids will see a dime.

The strain would fund the renovation of the Andrew G. Clark Building, with the money to be spared to buy CAM the Ram and his farm friends commercial-grade massage chairs. Any extra money would likely go to the Associated Student Senate at Colorado State University, naturally.

Now that you have your answers, light up and rest. CSU agriculture students are scrambling to bring you academically-sourced and cultivated cannabis as we speak.

Bella Eckburg can be reached at [email protected] or on Twitter @yaycolor.

Share.

Comments are closed.