2022 hurricane forecast based on Atlantic storm names


Back by popular demand – OK, more specifically, back because I needed an easy column – my highly scientific hurricane forecast.

Wednesday marks the start of another hurricane season. And while you can turn to our local meteorologists, National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association scientists, or even Colorado State University researchers – yes, some of the so-called hurricane “experts” are in Colorado. – they will simply give you vague predictions of what lies ahead.

They will say that even with all their education, satellites and branded slickers, it’s complicated. For example, NOAA predicts the season will bring 14-21 named storms, 6-10 hurricanes, and 3-6 major hurricanes.

It is very good. But did any of these experts predict on June 1 that there was a high probability that Elsa would turn into a hurricane?

No, you only have that here, based on my highly scientific analysis that anyone who’s ever seen “Frozen” knew Ana, the first storm of 2021, wouldn’t do much damage, but Elsa had winds violent in it.

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So, without further ado, the highly scientific projections for this hurricane season, based solely on what comes to mind when I see the list of 2022 names. (As always, the disclaimer that what comes to mind in mind might be different from yours.)

alexander – What is a storm name that reminds me of a late Jeopardy host? (And let’s say the chances of this one hitting us are slim.)

Hake — Recall Colin Firth. English. With a surname straight from rugged coastal waters. If ever a name sounded like a storm, it’s Colin Firth. 12-1

bonny – Against the backdrop of a hurricane projection, a nursery rhyme – “My Bonnie lies over the ocean, my Bonnie lies over the sea” – sounds a bit ominous. 25-1

Danielle – Danielle Steel writes romance novels and, in real life, has been married five times, which sounds pretty stormy. 5-1

county – I know I’m going to show my age here, but I’m thinking of Earl Weaver, the longtime Baltimore Orioles manager who was legendary, among other things, for his epic outbursts with the umpires. 15-1

Fiona — A princess in “Shrek.” Which taught us that onions and ogres are like hurricanes. They have diapers. 500-1

Gaston – A Disney villain, from “Beauty and the Beast”. Looks like something hitting us in 2022. 3-1

Ermine “I’ve never met an Ermine. The closest would be to reading “Harry Potter”, with Hermione Granger, to my daughter. I can’t help but think Ermine sounds like a word one of Terry Dickson’s Pond Scoggin characters would use to describe a girlfriend. Ermine. 75-1

Ian — Ian Fleming gave us James Bond and “Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang.” (A car that can fly, swim, and fight crime would definitely come in handy during hurricane season.) 50-1.

08/10/16 -- Debris from the Jacksonville Beach Fishing Pier, torn up by Hurricane Matthew, is scattered along the beaches, including in front of the Jacksonville Beach Lifeguard Station, Saturday morning, October 8, 2016. ( Bruce Lipsky/Florida Times- Syndicate)

Julia – Julia Child said, “I like to cook with wine. Sometimes I even put it in food. I know some people apply his culinary philosophy to preparing hurricanes, stocking up on water, batteries and beer. Cheers! 25-1.

Charles – Karl Malone is best known for playing the power forward for the Utah Jazz (and for his nickname “The Mailman”), but it’s worth remembering what he did in retirement after Hurricane Katrina. The Louisiana native, an experienced truck driver, brought a convoy of vehicles from his logging company from Arkansas to Mississippi and spent two weeks, working 12-hour days, clearing debris from the lots. 5,000-1

Lisa – My first girlfriend was called Lisa. Like Bart Simpson, I have a sister named Lisa. Could Lisa become a Category 5 hurricane? 9-1.

Martin – There’s a very scientific reason to be nervous about this one. Hurricane names rotate in six-year cycles. If a storm is devastating enough, the name is removed. Martin replaces a name that was retired after 2016, Matthew. 10-1

Nicholas – Kidman. When I first received voice instructions in my car, I picked an Australian voice and called her Nicole. When my wife asked me the question, I changed it to English and Elizabeth, as in Hurley. I think this will all come back to haunt me. 2-1

owen – Owen Wilson. Lightning McQueen. “In your dreams, Thunder.” 400-1

Paul — Paula Abdul turns 60 this month. Directly. 60-1.

richard – King. Recalls a winter of discontent. Or maybe Richard Williams played by Will Smith. Which means this storm could take a surprise turn and hit us like a slap in the face. 25-1.

Shary – Last year, Hurricane Sam brought the strongest winds of the 2021 season. So watch out for Storm S. 8-1.

Tobias “Tobey Maguire’s real name is Tobias. I believe Spider-Man can stop a hurricane. 20,000-1.

Virginia – Extensive research (Googler) tells me that “Virginia” was the name of the longest running Canadian TV series. It also tells me that all the other letters used for Atlantic storms have a retired name. There has never been a storm named after V that caused enough devastation to have his name retired. Reason to be optimistic? Not if you’re the nervous highly scientific forecaster. 20-1.

Walter – The elusive fish that plays a key role in the 1981 film ‘On Golden Pond’. Here’s hoping we end the 2022 hurricane season with water as serene as a golden pond. 100-1.

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